I've been running for far too long now, and we both know that. I've accumulated alot of bruises and scars throughout this journey of mine, but not once given them time to heal. I suppose that's my fault: I'm a mess and I'm willing to admit that.
Recently I've brought myself to let go of alot of things I once knew, which is something I never would have been able to do before. In all honesty, I have never been as strong as I need to be. I used to be damaged from relationships with people I probably should have never let in. I'm not saying nothing good came out of them, because at some point in time they made me happy and from them I did learn - sometimes I just feel like it was a lesson that I could have gone without.
I think I've finally found peace with what has happened in the past and have truly let it go. I used to trick myself into thinking I had let it go, by trying to be the same person I was before it ever happened. I now know that wasn't dealing with it: that was running from it because dealing with it was something I really just didn't want to have to do. Truthfully, I don't really know what I was thinking and why I thought living in some fantasy land would fix what happened. It never needed fixing, all it needed was to be dealt with.
Now I know that whether you like it or not, people are constantly changing. Things, both good and bad, are constantly happening to them and they are constantly reacting to those things. We need to live to learn even though sometimes the lessons might not be at the top of our list, and I seem to have done alot of learning these past few years.
I've been playing hide and seek with myself over these past couple years. I'm done sugar coating things that would still taste bad coated in it, and fighting for people who would knock me out if they had the chance. I really do feel like I owe some of you guys a hell of alot, because you put up with me when I didn't even want to put up with myself. You put up with me when I didn't want to trust you, and when I was too scared to really love you. I say "didn't want to" because it's almost like this whole time I've been preparing myself for something terrible to happen, and the worst part is I've been sitting here accepting that someday it will. I'm not going to keep accepting something that's not real anymore.
I suppose you have to run before you can fly.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Monday, September 20, 2010
We Let Time Slip Away From Us
Dear....
I haven’t done this in a while. I haven’t felt this feeling for quite some time now. I can’t say that I’ve ever forgot about him, that would be a lie. I can’t even lie to myself about that. I can’t trick myself, because when it came to him, I never could. I’m not quite sure if I miss him - sometimes I think I do.
Today was one of my bad days, overflowing with everything that was him. I’m not quite sure what sparks them, but every now and again they resurface in my mind. They make me smile, but they leave me wishing they could be something more than just memories I share with someone I no longer know. I wonder if those memories mean anything to him, like they do to me.
Each and every time this happens, when this strange feeling washes over me, I try to figure out why. The answers always seem to elude me. Sometimes I try to figure out what I’m feeling, because truthfully I don’t know. I worry I’m alone in this; I know I become far too attached to people far too fast. Does he miss me too? Did I fall in love alone?
I know we’ve both moved on, away from one another. It’s hard to let go of someone when you can’t be sure of what could have been. That's the worst part in all of this mess. I think it’s my fault. I’ll take all the blame. I was the one who tried to tell myself he didn’t feel the same and I was the one who found someone else - that someone else wasn’t worth it. None of it was worth it. It was my mistake. I was the one who walked away.
If I could say one thing, I would say I’m sorry. This is my apology to him. It’s been so long, I don’t know how else to go about it. Maybe he’ll never read this, and maybe I never meant anything to him at all, but one thing I do know is at one point, he meant everything to me.
I wonder if he still thinks about me too.
I haven’t done this in a while. I haven’t felt this feeling for quite some time now. I can’t say that I’ve ever forgot about him, that would be a lie. I can’t even lie to myself about that. I can’t trick myself, because when it came to him, I never could. I’m not quite sure if I miss him - sometimes I think I do.
Today was one of my bad days, overflowing with everything that was him. I’m not quite sure what sparks them, but every now and again they resurface in my mind. They make me smile, but they leave me wishing they could be something more than just memories I share with someone I no longer know. I wonder if those memories mean anything to him, like they do to me.
Each and every time this happens, when this strange feeling washes over me, I try to figure out why. The answers always seem to elude me. Sometimes I try to figure out what I’m feeling, because truthfully I don’t know. I worry I’m alone in this; I know I become far too attached to people far too fast. Does he miss me too? Did I fall in love alone?
I know we’ve both moved on, away from one another. It’s hard to let go of someone when you can’t be sure of what could have been. That's the worst part in all of this mess. I think it’s my fault. I’ll take all the blame. I was the one who tried to tell myself he didn’t feel the same and I was the one who found someone else - that someone else wasn’t worth it. None of it was worth it. It was my mistake. I was the one who walked away.
If I could say one thing, I would say I’m sorry. This is my apology to him. It’s been so long, I don’t know how else to go about it. Maybe he’ll never read this, and maybe I never meant anything to him at all, but one thing I do know is at one point, he meant everything to me.
I wonder if he still thinks about me too.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Growing Up
I haven't done this in a while. I guess there has just been so much going on recently that I haven't been able to find the time, or maybe it's because I just haven't been inspired. I find it hard to believe that my inpiration has been lacking recently, especially because there has been so much drama. I figured once high school was done the drama went along with it, but I guess I was wrong.
After graduating high school, my perspective on life has changed drastically.
For starters, I've lost alot of people from life whom I thought I would continue to call my friend after all was said and done. Then, I found a new group of people to befriend and I was excited. It felt as though I was moving away from my past which I had been trapped within for too long and starting fresh. The odd thing is, I found out this new group of people I was beginning to call my friends turned out to be nothing more than the old ones I was so happy to have moved away from. I'm starting to wonder if I was ever ment to be close with anyone.
In a sense, I am kind of glad I've moved away from the majority of my high school friends. I must admit, recently it has left me feeling kind of like a "loner" for the lack of a better term. I'm not really used to being so alone all of the time. Then again, this has helped me realized that slowly, but surely I am becoming more and more independent with each passing day. I am learning to be less dependent on other people and more dependent on myself, because in the end I'm the one who makes the final decisions.
I hope those kids are having fun, because I've come to realize I don't need them. Even though sometimes it gets me down, I get back up and tell myself that even though it feels like the end, this is really only the beginning and that keeps me positive. For the time being, I will look forward to the future and be thankful for the people I do have in my life. I think this kind of thing helps me to appreciate them more and understand how lucky I really am to have them by my side.
High school might be done, but we've still all got alot of growing up to do.
After graduating high school, my perspective on life has changed drastically.
For starters, I've lost alot of people from life whom I thought I would continue to call my friend after all was said and done. Then, I found a new group of people to befriend and I was excited. It felt as though I was moving away from my past which I had been trapped within for too long and starting fresh. The odd thing is, I found out this new group of people I was beginning to call my friends turned out to be nothing more than the old ones I was so happy to have moved away from. I'm starting to wonder if I was ever ment to be close with anyone.
In a sense, I am kind of glad I've moved away from the majority of my high school friends. I must admit, recently it has left me feeling kind of like a "loner" for the lack of a better term. I'm not really used to being so alone all of the time. Then again, this has helped me realized that slowly, but surely I am becoming more and more independent with each passing day. I am learning to be less dependent on other people and more dependent on myself, because in the end I'm the one who makes the final decisions.
I hope those kids are having fun, because I've come to realize I don't need them. Even though sometimes it gets me down, I get back up and tell myself that even though it feels like the end, this is really only the beginning and that keeps me positive. For the time being, I will look forward to the future and be thankful for the people I do have in my life. I think this kind of thing helps me to appreciate them more and understand how lucky I really am to have them by my side.
High school might be done, but we've still all got alot of growing up to do.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Yesterdays
I've never felt so foreign before in my entire life. I think that might be a lie, maybe that's what made it so much harder. I suppose the difference between now and then is that before it was something of habit that after a while simply became something expected, where as now it was something I never thought would have to happen again. Yesterday brought me back to a bad place, a place in my past where I was dragged along anywhere and everywhere. I was treated more as an accessory than a human being, an object of perfection brought along only to show off and make other boys jealous - perhaps it was to degrade me entirely and make me feel like some dirty whore. I don't really know, and honestly I don't think I ever will, but I have my suspicions. I thought I had moved away from that part of my life, the part where I constantly felt used and mistreated, but I guess I was wrong. Ever since those few months with him, I've always felt like people are constantly judging me, and not in a good way. I do still blame him, hate him for everything he put me through, because it changed me. It's harder to make me smile, laugh, or be genuinely happy, and it's almost impossible to make me trust you. Everything is just so much harder. I've cried too much this week, things need to brighten up sometime soon, right? I really hope they do, I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. Maybe next time will be better.
He asked me why he would give me something that would last forever if he never intended for it to last that long - I told him I didn't know.
He asked me why he would give me something that would last forever if he never intended for it to last that long - I told him I didn't know.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Skirts and Sandles
Today made me curious I suppose I could say, for the lack of a better word. My brain battled two completely different ideas and it seemed as though it wasn't sure how to feel. Why do we focus so much on the negative? Why do we never embrace the positive and shed a little light onto our day and on the day of those around us. I'm really not sure. I am a stranger to myself, to the world around me. I have been for a while now, and today was no exception.
Today was a good day, it was the resurfacing of my past. Not my past which I wish to forget, but my past where I felt alive. Today was a day where something that we would consider old became new again. It's exciting. I would have thought today would have been a good day, because when I found out about today's news only weeks ago I couldn't have been more ecstatic. What I can't seem to wrap my head around though is why today I felt so dejected.
Today was a bad day, lacking of the good news we all pray for. When I woke this morning, I had no clue my perfect day would be ruined by this cold Canadian climate. The fact I woke up to snow at the end of April really set my emotions on a one way path. It seems strange to me that just the other day I was sitting outside in a skirt and sandals, and then within less than 24 hours I was bundled up in my winter coat, scarf, and mittens. It feels as though I boarded a plane and flew across the country. I miss the sun and I miss the warmth.
I want to live, be happy, and move on, but I need a little push from blue skies and sun kissed surroundings.
Today was a good day, it was the resurfacing of my past. Not my past which I wish to forget, but my past where I felt alive. Today was a day where something that we would consider old became new again. It's exciting. I would have thought today would have been a good day, because when I found out about today's news only weeks ago I couldn't have been more ecstatic. What I can't seem to wrap my head around though is why today I felt so dejected.
Today was a bad day, lacking of the good news we all pray for. When I woke this morning, I had no clue my perfect day would be ruined by this cold Canadian climate. The fact I woke up to snow at the end of April really set my emotions on a one way path. It seems strange to me that just the other day I was sitting outside in a skirt and sandals, and then within less than 24 hours I was bundled up in my winter coat, scarf, and mittens. It feels as though I boarded a plane and flew across the country. I miss the sun and I miss the warmth.
I want to live, be happy, and move on, but I need a little push from blue skies and sun kissed surroundings.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Sparks
Sometimes I wish that we didn't fight so much, so often about silly little things. I suppose it has become a daily ritual of ours; each day you mess up and I get angry. You don't really mess up that much, you know. I believe this habit of mine, the habit of creating arguments, comes from the love I gave away to criminals. It wasn't really love, I know that now because of you; I just used to tell myself it was because I always secretly wished it could be. You're the only boy I've ever truly loved. The difference between the way I always fought with them and the way I now fight with you is that they really did hurt me. I think I just pretend you do out of habit sometimes because it's what I'm used to; how pathetic. I hate how I carry that with me and hurt you so much.
Sometimes I wonder what our relationship would be like if we didn't fight so much, so often about silly little things. At times I like to think it would be something like the silver screen romances. You know, the ones that are passionate and flawless and always work out for the better? Those ones. I am naive in that sense I guess; silver screen boyfriends cheat you out of time, happiness, and true love. On the other hand, maybe those stupid little fights are the backbone of our relationship and without them we would exist no more. I think that's the case. Perfection is something we humans created, you told me that once. Since I am human, I can therefore create perfection and have decided the definition of perfection for me is you. You're better than a silver screen romance. If I had yet another silver screen boyfriend I could only keep him for a couple of hours; in reality I wouldn't truly have him at all, just his empty shallow eyes. Plus, he'd be scripted. Hello heartbreak central.
I remember the moment I realized I was truly in love with you. I was before that, but because I had never experienced it I wasn't sure. We were in the car, and night fall was among us. We were just pulling into my driveway and my fingers were intertwined in yours. I looked at you and knew; I just knew. The best part about our relationship is that I feel like I fall in love with you again every single day. It's your eyes, and the way you smile. Your sarcastic manner and the way you love me. I could never stop loving you, because you make me want to love you forever.
Shut your eyes honey, I want to kiss you and let the sparks fly.
Sometimes I wonder what our relationship would be like if we didn't fight so much, so often about silly little things. At times I like to think it would be something like the silver screen romances. You know, the ones that are passionate and flawless and always work out for the better? Those ones. I am naive in that sense I guess; silver screen boyfriends cheat you out of time, happiness, and true love. On the other hand, maybe those stupid little fights are the backbone of our relationship and without them we would exist no more. I think that's the case. Perfection is something we humans created, you told me that once. Since I am human, I can therefore create perfection and have decided the definition of perfection for me is you. You're better than a silver screen romance. If I had yet another silver screen boyfriend I could only keep him for a couple of hours; in reality I wouldn't truly have him at all, just his empty shallow eyes. Plus, he'd be scripted. Hello heartbreak central.
I remember the moment I realized I was truly in love with you. I was before that, but because I had never experienced it I wasn't sure. We were in the car, and night fall was among us. We were just pulling into my driveway and my fingers were intertwined in yours. I looked at you and knew; I just knew. The best part about our relationship is that I feel like I fall in love with you again every single day. It's your eyes, and the way you smile. Your sarcastic manner and the way you love me. I could never stop loving you, because you make me want to love you forever.
Shut your eyes honey, I want to kiss you and let the sparks fly.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Little Girl Dreaming
I knew as soon as I met him; I knew it was going to be him. I had a feeling, an inclination rather that my everything would become his and his mine. I'm slowly careening away from who I once was and am approaching my new self. For the longest time I wanted to erase my past, build myself to be someone different, but we can never turn back the clock. The hands of time drive us. I'm glad I held on, because who I am is who he loves. This boy and I, we have an infallible love and I wouldn't trade it for the world. I think he's the boy I'm going to marry. I can feel it.
As a young girl I had a totally different mind set. It's funny how as child we are so innocent we make decisions we really have no right in making at such a young age. I couldn't hold onto her princess perfect dreams, they were never real. When I think back, I know now that I made that decision, conjured up that wonderland, in hopes that I wouldn't get hurt, in hopes that I wouldn't fill myself with regret and become the walking torn up masterpiece the average imperfect human is. Building myself up with innocence for seventeen years didn't save me from that. I don't mind really, some people can only be masterpieces once torn up because it makes them just a little bit more real. Going trough Hell makes you real; for the past four years my tears have reassured me of that. Even though I may have broke my young self's heart, I know it was right. I know she would forgive me.
I can see the white and hear the bells, it's pretty.
As a young girl I had a totally different mind set. It's funny how as child we are so innocent we make decisions we really have no right in making at such a young age. I couldn't hold onto her princess perfect dreams, they were never real. When I think back, I know now that I made that decision, conjured up that wonderland, in hopes that I wouldn't get hurt, in hopes that I wouldn't fill myself with regret and become the walking torn up masterpiece the average imperfect human is. Building myself up with innocence for seventeen years didn't save me from that. I don't mind really, some people can only be masterpieces once torn up because it makes them just a little bit more real. Going trough Hell makes you real; for the past four years my tears have reassured me of that. Even though I may have broke my young self's heart, I know it was right. I know she would forgive me.
I can see the white and hear the bells, it's pretty.
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