Yesterdays

I've never felt so foreign before in my entire life. I think that might be a lie, maybe that's what made it so much harder. I suppose the difference between now and then is that before it was something of habit that after a while simply became something expected, where as now it was something I never thought would have to happen again. Yesterday brought me back to a bad place, a place in my past where I was dragged along anywhere and everywhere. I was treated more as an accessory than a human being, an object of perfection brought along only to show off and make other boys jealous - perhaps it was to degrade me entirely and make me feel like some dirty whore. I don't really know, and honestly I don't think I ever will, but I have my suspicions. I thought I had moved away from that part of my life, the part where I constantly felt used and mistreated, but I guess I was wrong. Ever since those few months with him, I've always felt like people are constantly judging me, and not in a good way. I do still blame him, hate him for everything he put me through, because it changed me. It's harder to make me smile, laugh, or be genuinely happy, and it's almost impossible to make me trust you. Everything is just so much harder. I've cried too much this week, things need to brighten up sometime soon, right? I really hope they do, I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. Maybe next time will be better.

He asked me why he would give me something that would last forever if he never intended for it to last that long - I told him I didn't know.