Make It Mean Something

I've been running for far too long now, and we both know that. I've accumulated alot of bruises and scars throughout this journey of mine, but not once given them time to heal. I suppose that's my fault: I'm a mess and I'm willing to admit that.

Recently I've brought myself to let go of alot of things I once knew, which is something I never would have been able to do before. In all honesty, I have never been as strong as I need to be. I used to be damaged from relationships with people I probably should have never let in. I'm not saying nothing good came out of them, because at some point in time they made me happy and from them I did learn - sometimes I just feel like it was a lesson that I could have gone without.

I think I've finally found peace with what has happened in the past and have truly let it go. I used to trick myself into thinking I had let it go, by trying to be the same person I was before it ever happened. I now know that wasn't dealing with it: that was running from it because dealing with it was something I really just didn't want to have to do. Truthfully, I don't really know what I was thinking and why I thought living in some fantasy land would fix what happened. It never needed fixing, all it needed was to be dealt with.

Now I know that whether you like it or not, people are constantly changing. Things, both good and bad, are constantly happening to them and they are constantly reacting to those things. We need to live to learn even though sometimes the lessons might not be at the top of our list, and I seem to have done alot of learning these past few years.

I've been playing hide and seek with myself over these past couple years. I'm done sugar coating things that would still taste bad coated in it, and fighting for people who would knock me out if they had the chance. I really do feel like I owe some of you guys a hell of alot, because you put up with me when I didn't even want to put up with myself. You put up with me when I didn't want to trust you, and when I was too scared to really love you. I say "didn't want to" because it's almost like this whole time I've been preparing myself for something terrible to happen, and the worst part is I've been sitting here accepting that someday it will. I'm not going to keep accepting something that's not real anymore.

I suppose you have to run before you can fly.