Skirts and Sandles

Today made me curious I suppose I could say, for the lack of a better word. My brain battled two completely different ideas and it seemed as though it wasn't sure how to feel. Why do we focus so much on the negative? Why do we never embrace the positive and shed a little light onto our day and on the day of those around us. I'm really not sure. I am a stranger to myself, to the world around me. I have been for a while now, and today was no exception.

Today was a good day, it was the resurfacing of my past. Not my past which I wish to forget, but my past where I felt alive. Today was a day where something that we would consider old became new again. It's exciting. I would have thought today would have been a good day, because when I found out about today's news only weeks ago I couldn't have been more ecstatic. What I can't seem to wrap my head around though is why today I felt so dejected.

Today was a bad day, lacking of the good news we all pray for. When I woke this morning, I had no clue my perfect day would be ruined by this cold Canadian climate. The fact I woke up to snow at the end of April really set my emotions on a one way path. It seems strange to me that just the other day I was sitting outside in a skirt and sandals, and then within less than 24 hours I was bundled up in my winter coat, scarf, and mittens. It feels as though I boarded a plane and flew across the country. I miss the sun and I miss the warmth.

I want to live, be happy, and move on, but I need a little push from blue skies and sun kissed surroundings.

Sparks

Sometimes I wish that we didn't fight so much, so often about silly little things. I suppose it has become a daily ritual of ours; each day you mess up and I get angry. You don't really mess up that much, you know. I believe this habit of mine, the habit of creating arguments, comes from the love I gave away to criminals. It wasn't really love, I know that now because of you; I just used to tell myself it was because I always secretly wished it could be. You're the only boy I've ever truly loved. The difference between the way I always fought with them and the way I now fight with you is that they really did hurt me. I think I just pretend you do out of habit sometimes because it's what I'm used to; how pathetic. I hate how I carry that with me and hurt you so much.

Sometimes I wonder what our relationship would be like if we didn't fight so much, so often about silly little things. At times I like to think it would be something like the silver screen romances. You know, the ones that are passionate and flawless and always work out for the better? Those ones. I am naive in that sense I guess; silver screen boyfriends cheat you out of time, happiness, and true love. On the other hand, maybe those stupid little fights are the backbone of our relationship and without them we would exist no more. I think that's the case. Perfection is something we humans created, you told me that once. Since I am human, I can therefore create perfection and have decided the definition of perfection for me is you. You're better than a silver screen romance. If I had yet another silver screen boyfriend I could only keep him for a couple of hours; in reality I wouldn't truly have him at all, just his empty shallow eyes. Plus, he'd be scripted. Hello heartbreak central.

I remember the moment I realized I was truly in love with you. I was before that, but because I had never experienced it I wasn't sure. We were in the car, and night fall was among us. We were just pulling into my driveway and my fingers were intertwined in yours. I looked at you and knew; I just knew. The best part about our relationship is that I feel like I fall in love with you again every single day. It's your eyes, and the way you smile. Your sarcastic manner and the way you love me. I could never stop loving you, because you make me want to love you forever.

Shut your eyes honey, I want to kiss you and let the sparks fly.

Little Girl Dreaming

I knew as soon as I met him; I knew it was going to be him. I had a feeling, an inclination rather that my everything would become his and his mine. I'm slowly careening away from who I once was and am approaching my new self. For the longest time I wanted to erase my past, build myself to be someone different, but we can never turn back the clock. The hands of time drive us. I'm glad I held on, because who I am is who he loves. This boy and I, we have an infallible love and I wouldn't trade it for the world. I think he's the boy I'm going to marry. I can feel it.

As a young girl I had a totally different mind set. It's funny how as child we are so innocent we make decisions we really have no right in making at such a young age. I couldn't hold onto her princess perfect dreams, they were never real. When I think back, I know now that I made that decision, conjured up that wonderland, in hopes that I wouldn't get hurt, in hopes that I wouldn't fill myself with regret and become the walking torn up masterpiece the average imperfect human is. Building myself up with innocence for seventeen years didn't save me from that. I don't mind really, some people can only be masterpieces once torn up because it makes them just a little bit more real. Going trough Hell makes you real; for the past four years my tears have reassured me of that. Even though I may have broke my young self's heart, I know it was right. I know she would forgive me.

I can see the white and hear the bells, it's pretty.