Dear God

I've come to notice that when I find myself breaking, when everything begins to slip away from me, I turn to distraction because I can't even begin to bare the idea of feeling how I did only half a year ago. If I had to swallow all my courage, wash away everything that was just pretend, he'd be able to see I'm scared; everyone would be able to see that I'm so scared. Every time I'm hurting because of him, it kills. It's a searing burn that still stings even after it heals; I'm not quite sure if it really does ever heal.

I understand I can be difficult sometimes, but it's just because I'm scared of being hurt again. I don't want to be used, and I don't want to be taken for granted; I just want to be loved, but my bruises and scars leave me alone and clenching my own heart within my fist, crushing it more and more with every passing second. I'm only hurting myself. As the clock keeps ticking, these minutes keep slipping away and each minute gone I build up my walls stronger because I'm scared to lose myself again. I'm left here fading away from him, and all in fear I wonder if tomorrow I'll be so faded he won't be able to see me shine anymore. If I can't shine for him, who's left to shine for? If I lose myself, and I lose him, I don't have anything left. I'm just an empty glass, an empty glass with an empty soul and a missing heart.

Distractions help keep me here. They keep me from not giving up and letting go. Distractions make sense. They come together and break apart, but they do so with factual reasons behind each of them. Maybe I just like the sense of it all, or perhaps I like how I can always make sense of the unknown with my knowledge. I'm just pleading for someone; I'm just praying for a fix. Why did he promise me he would change my definition of love when he himself doesn't even know what love is? I don't know. I don't know very many things it seems, not even myself. The proof of love is pain, because unbroken happiness is something unattainable; our tears are proof of that.

My biggest unknown is why people are so attached to it. Why are people so attached to the unknown? The unknown is unpredictable, and undependable, and leaves you with scars that can't heal, the stain of bruises, and cuts no bandage could ever hide. Although it makes no sense, I'm beginning to see that this unknown is what keeps us here, because even though it can murder you, it can be your saviour all the same. We draw the unknown with our minds as being beautiful because of the rush, the hope that maybe one day we won't feel so alone. I'll just sit here in waiting, it's all I can do, hoping you won't turn your back on me. When he turns his back on me it's like my life is being silently incinerated before my very eyes. Please don't turn let him turn his back on me, don't let him silence me from his memory.

Let me think about how my world will end, I just need a little more time.

Hearts of Robots

Today we reconciled
Today you made me smile
Just like clockwork
I fear when things turn for the worse

He is trying to break me down
Just so he can build me up
I understand he needs me to be strong
But what is he preparing me for

Don't speak
You're such a liar
Is your heart non-existant
Black as ashes

What is human

The hum of the engine
I couldn't silence it
We can never silence it
Silence is nothing
But we are always something

Are we human

I can feel the cold
I can feel it break me
I can hear the pulse
I can hear it sing me to sleep

Am I human

God never intended for us to be his robots
God never wanted us to be his machines
God makes us
But we control us

I can hear your heart beat
I can hear your machine tick
I can be so cruel to you
We have the hearts of robots

We were never human

Aphrodite

I can't think straight
Today I met my match
I can't think straight
Today they took it too far

I feel trapped
I feel isolated
I feel betrayed
I feel broken

Worthless, Aphrodite

The earth could have fell through the floor
I was so angry with the both of you
The earth could have feel through the floor
It wouldn't have fazed me at all

I need to run away
Let's make a puzzle of the highway
We did that one Friday night
All the lights were a beautiful haze
I need to go far

I didn't want to see you in the hallway
I didn't want to run into you on the sidewalk
I didn't want to talk to you during my impatience
I didn't want to fight you through the telephone

They took everything too far
I've reached my breaking point
I lost all strength to fight
I knew it was over
Today I met my match

Don't demand me
Don't pursue me
Let me drown
Maybe I'll learn how to swim

You can't think straight
You've been trying to reach me
You can't think straight
I'm absent and I'm lost

Worthless, Aphrodite

The Earth could have fell through the floor
I was so angry

Route Four

This constant ringing makes me sick. Let's just cut the coated wire of connection, because the whole world doesn't need to be held at our mercy. They leave like the strangers of a subway train. These strangers only travel to get from point a to point b, just like you. I made the mistake of talking to one of these strangers, getting to know one of these strangers. It's getting loud in here; the spark created by the metal on metal contact echoes throughout this train of mine. You pull the bell, it's your stop. Your icy cold stare eats through me as you become one of those strangers. Just like them, you got off at your point b never to be heard from again. Why? People are fleeting. Moments are fleeting. Life is fleeting. Maybe she wants to go, and if she does than I don't need her. Maybe I want to shove the moments we shared into her torn suitcase, but memories are something I can't erase. Maybe life is fleeting, but I'm not going to sit back and watch it slip away from me. You might be gone, but the subway doesn't stop just because you did.

The conductor of route four can't be seduced without a ticket.

Weekends

Those tires are talking now
She can feel the vibrations
And creases are stained yellow

She's in downtown London
The stereos are screaming
And her body temperature's rising

Home is something distant
She is slipping away
And these miles battle years

Everything looks the same here
Everything is so empty

Towers are planted
Signal them
Towers are planted
Signal the rulers of the sky

One, two, three
The red eye is blinking

Towers are planted
Save them
Towers are planted
Save the rulers of the sky

Watch as the pretty lights dance
Red, green, blue, white
They paint this place

The television is talking again
Look at those dirty shoes
And look at their dirty smiles

I want him
I need him
I miss him

It's the weekend
Let's not celebrate it

Weekends just aren't the same without you

Stitches

You're her friend, princess
Hide the truth behind your lies
And face the world with your torn down image

Beat her down, princess
Flaunt what she can't
And take what she has

Center of attention, princess
It's time for another quick fix
And he means nothing to you

You're so fictitious
You could break glass

Suck it up, princess
Let's peel back the layers of your plastic skin
And let's see if you feel something

Break yourself, princess
Cut yourself open
And watch yourself bleed

Don't stitch yourself up though, princess
Lessons in suicide are nothing new for you
And you will never be the same girl from four years ago

Take your pretty pink nails to the tiled walls, filthy whore

Neon Messenger

He is my neon messenger
He is the sign
He is the artist

My slumber is stained with little thoughts of misconstruction

Travel voices, travel
Swim through the static network manufactured by strangers
In this static network sculpted of strangers
You will find me

Drown me voices, drown me
Cut their lifeline
Make them flatline
And leave them silent

It burns, blinds, and incinerates
My mistakes ignite you
And my mistakes ignite me

Your mind is stained with little thoughts of misconstruction

It's so cold in this place
It's so empty in this house
Let the spark flicker
Let the spark spread

I go right
You fall behind
She listened to your silence that whispered weakness
She listened to your silence that whispered love

Maps love you, my neon messenger